It has been ages since I had the strong urge write down my thoughts, random as they always are. Maybe because I'm bored. Maybe because the heat's getting under my skin. Maybe because my ever scumbag mind refuses to stop thinking, even though it's vacation time already. Thinking is not good, especially when you don't want to. Thinking is unhealthy, when your mind creates visions of random things you want and don't want, and forces you to feel strong emotions for these visions. Why my mind refuses to obey my order to simply shut down, I cannot say. And so to exhaust it from its endless thoughts, I decided to write.
Words and Pictures.
"Now these memories come back to haunt me. They haunt me like a curse." ----Bruce Springsteen
Why do we take pictures? Of places, of events, of nature, of people? Is it because we're vain enough that we want to admire ourselves in photos? Is it because we need to brag to others of every little thing we do? Is it because we have to be regarded as "photographers" that we may be considered cool among our peers? Yes, all of the above, maybe. But ultimately, I think, is that we take pictures for memories. To capture that one moment in time, when the world stopped for us, and to transfer that priceless moment into something concrete, into something that we can literally hold in our hands. Pictures are not only images. They are feelings and emotions caught in that one click of the shutter.
Why do we write? For students like me, almost every time, it's because we need to fulfill an academic requirement. To be able to satisfy professors with their curiosity on what we learned, and maybe to see if we really learned something, and didn't just fall asleep at every possible moment when we attended their classes. But now, I write because it's almost impossible for me not to write, my emotions so close to the brim, my thoughts running wild and free in my head. What I write now is what I feel and think at the moment. As someone had wisely passed on to me, "Sinasabi ko 'to kasi ito nararamdaman ko ngayon. Bukas, makalawa, baka iba na."
I've reread my previous writings and viewed certain photographs. The emotions that were felt when they were written, when they were taken, stared at me at the face, and like a tiger, clawed through my heart, as if those emotions were felt only just yesterday. It's hard to turn away and convince myself that what they were is the past, not the present. And the reckoning came to me that feeling is a curse, just like it is a gift.
Genuine Lies
"And so you see I have come to doubt -- All that I once held as true -- I stand alone without beliefs -- The only truth I know is you."
-----Paul Simon
If there's one thing I learned in college, it's that truth is never absolute. What may be true for others may be considered false by other people. And how can you say it's the "real" truth anyway? For the human mind is ever an amazing thing, interpreting everything differently for every person. Take for example, history. History basically is a narration of past events. But how can we claim that every narration is true? We haven't seen these events ourselves and we were not there when they happened. And even if we were there, wouldn't every person say it in her own way, in her own interpretation?
Every day we encounter different kinds of truths and lies. That is unavoidable. What is hard, perhaps, is how to decide on what you should believe in. If a friend A tells friend B something, and friend A tells you something altogether different from what he told friend B, which version should you believe?
People act differently to various types of people. A man may have the urge to act cool with his group of friends, therefore what he says to them may be of bragging of all the women he had. But when alone with his best friend, accompanied by a couple of bottles of beer, he may be pining for that one woman he secretly loves. So which side of this guy should you believe?
I've recently had a conversation with a friend, so confused was I during that time, and we arrived at the same conclusion on the matter. Believe whatever a person shows you. You may be the only one who knows and understands him/her best. You're the only one who can decide for yourself on what to believe in.
Red or Green
"And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find."
---- Jason Mraz
One of the hardest decisions we have to make in life is whether to keep trying or to give up. How will you know when it's already too much? How will you know if you just have to keep going? Not giving up does not mean you're foolish. Quitting does not make you a coward either. To drop a subject or to keep going even if your status is already failing? To divert your attention to someone else or to wait forever? To step back or to stand strong for your beliefs? Life is a series of questions, making you want to scream at it and curse, and at the same time laugh and salute it for the challenges it gives you.
No one can tell you to stop or to keep going. Trust your feelings on what you should choose. And when taking a certain course, always make sure that you won't have any regret. No regrets. Because everything happens for a reason.
As for me, I think I won't give up just yet. So what if it's foolish. What if it's right path for me to take? I won't be living my life with what if's. As long as I feel that it's best for me to go on, I will. I alone can decide if it's really time for me to take a step back.
After all, as Robert Frost put it, "Life goes on." Whether you like it or not.
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